Trigger Warning
++This post discusses learned helplessness and references a distressing psychological study involving animals. I intensely dislike the study itself, but it resonated with me in a way I couldn’t ignore. Please read with care.++
The Image That Stuck With Me
Imagine an abused dog locked in a kennel for years. It’s been shocked, beaten down, and conditioned to believe that no matter what it does, pain is inevitable.
Then, one day, the gate opens.
The dog is free—but instead of running, it cowers in the back of the kennel, unwilling to step out.
This isn’t just about animals.
This is how trauma rewires the brain. It’s how learned helplessness keeps people stuck and why so many trauma survivors return to toxic environments—even when they have a way out.
Healing isn’t just about leaving the cage.
It’s about learning to exist outside of it.
Why Some People Stay in the Cage: Learned Helplessness
Psychologist Martin Seligman coined the term learned helplessness after observing something deeply disturbing:
When animals (or humans) experience repeated suffering with no escape, they stop trying to escape—even when the opportunity is right in front of them.
In his experiment, dogs were subjected to electric shocks they couldn’t avoid. Later, they didn’t try to leave even when given an escape route. They had learned that nothing they did mattered.
This mirrors what many trauma survivors experience. Abuse, neglect, or emotional harm creates a belief that pain is inescapable—and eventually, the brain adapts.
Even when the cage is open, they stay.
When Trauma Becomes Home
Bessel van der Kolk, in The Body Keeps the Score, expands on this idea:
Animals that were abused often return to their abusers, even when set free.
Why? Because even abusive familiarity feels safer than the unknown.
Humans do this, too:
They return to abusive partners, even when there’s a door open.
They sabotage healthy environments because peace feels foreign.
They resist help because safety triggers their fear response.
It’s not that they want to suffer—
It’s that suffering is familiar.
And for many, familiar pain feels safer than unfamiliar freedom.
You Can’t Drag Someone Out of the Kennel
This is where it gets hard.
You may want to help. You may love them. You may have opened the gate a thousand times. But if someone is still operating from learned helplessness, they might:
Retreat from you
Lash out at you
Pull you back into the chaos they’re familiar with
Compassion without boundaries is not compassion—it’s self-destruction.
— Gabor Maté
You can’t destroy yourself trying to save someone who isn’t ready.
Sometimes, You Have to Close the Kennel Door Again
Especially when supporting a loved one (or a child), it’s tempting to think:
They'll come out if I just keep the gate open long enough.
But sometimes, the dog isn’t ready.
Sometimes, they’ll bolt into traffic or attack the hand that offers freedom.
That’s why incremental freedom is key:
You can offer safety, but you can’t force trust.
You can model stability, but you can’t make someone accept it.
You can love someone and still need to protect yourself.
And if they bite you?
You’re allowed to walk away.
Walking Away Isn’t Giving Up
If someone rejects help, returns to toxicity, or pushes you away—that’s their path.
It doesn’t mean you failed.
It doesn’t mean you didn’t care enough.
Your job is not to drag someone into healing.
Your job is to protect your own peace—and leave the gate open if they ever decide to walk through it.
You Are Not Their Savior
If you’ve spent years trying to help someone heal…
If they’ve resisted, sabotaged, or run back to what hurts them…
Please hear this:
You are not their savior
You are not responsible for their healing
You are not failing them by setting boundaries
The most powerful thing you can do is be a grounded, compassionate presence outside the kennel—a reminder that safety exists and that someone will be there when they’re ready.
And If You’re the One Still in the Kennel…
I know what that feels like.
I’ve been there—trapped, numb, convinced there was no way out.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
The gate is open.
You don’t have to stay there.
The past doesn’t define you.
You are allowed to step into something better.
You are allowed to be free.
Whenever you’re ready.
Sources Cited
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score
Seligman, M. (1972). Learned Helplessness: Theory and Evidence in Experimental Psychology
Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture
Comentários