The Search for Answers: When You Think You’re the Problem
At first, I didn’t have the words for it. I just knew I felt exhausted. Drained. Confused. Like I was constantly walking on eggshells—trying to get everything just right but never quite succeeding.
So, I turned to Google. I wasn’t searching for “toxic relationships” or “narcissism”—
I was searching for what was wrong with me.
Why do I feel so anxious in my relationships?
Why do I feel dismissed and unseen?
Why do I feel like I have to earn love?
Why am I always the one apologizing?
Why do I feel like I’m too much and never enough at the same time?
What I found surprised me. Instead of advice on how to fix myself, I kept finding articles about boundaries, emotional manipulation, and toxic and narcissistic dynamics.
And that’s when the shift began.
The Realization: It Wasn’t Me, It Was the Dynamic
At first, I thought the answer was about me—that everything would improve if I communicated better. I had never even heard of “boundaries” in this context before, but they seemed like the missing piece.
So, I started setting them.
And that’s when everything changed.
I assumed that if I calmly expressed my feelings and said, “That really hurts when you say that, " the other person would listen and care. But instead, I got pushback, anger, defensiveness, or silence.
Over time, I began to see the pattern.
How Toxic People React to Boundaries
Even the most respectful, clear boundary was met with…
“You’re too sensitive.” → Dismissing your feelings.
“Well, what about the time you did X?” → Blame-shifting.
“I had a bad day—you need to deal with it.” → Using stress to justify mistreatment.
“Oh, you think you’re better than me now?” → Twisting your growth into arrogance.
“Your timing is always bad!” → Avoidance masked as criticism.
“Stop lecturing me.” → Reframing boundaries as attacks.
“You’re crazy.” → Gaslighting.
Silence. → Stonewalling.
Projection. → Accusing you of doing exactly what they’re doing.
Stonewalling. → Acting like your voice doesn’t deserve acknowledgment.
Every time I set a boundary, I noticed the response wasn’t about concern for my well-being but their loss of control. And yet, I kept excusing it.
I kept telling myself, Maybe I am too sensitive.
But the more I looked, the clearer it became:
I was always considering their feelings.
Mine were never considered in return.
The Slap-in-the-Face Moment: “Why Are You Here?”
Out of all the dismissive, gaslighting responses I’ve heard, one stuck with me:
“Why are you here?!”
I had tried to bring up something that hurt me—something I thought we could talk about. But instead of listening, they snapped.
That moment cracked something open in me.
For the first time, I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t explain, overexpress, or try to prove I was worthy of being heard.
I asked myself:
Why the hell AM I here?
Why am I in a dynamic where my presence is treated like a burden?
Where my attempts at connection are met with contempt?
And suddenly, everything became clear.
Recognizing the Pattern: It Was Never Just One Relationship
I thought this was about one person.
But it wasn’t.
I saw the pattern everywhere—family, friends, even the workplace.
I was pouring into cups that never poured back.
I was considering their comfort before my own, often without realizing it.
And more painfully, I was drawn to these dynamics, not just stuck in them.
When you grow up without clear boundaries or believe you have to earn love, you don’t just end up in toxic relationships.
You’re drawn to them because they feel familiar.
Because they match what you’ve unconsciously been taught to accept.
Breaking the Cycle: Eating the Humble Pie & Starting from Scratch
One of the hardest truths I had to swallow was this:
Some people don’t have the capacity for reciprocal love.
That doesn’t make them evil—but continuing to expect it from them will break you.
Accepting this didn’t just hurt—it reshaped me.
Because once I saw it clearly, I had to take responsibility for what came next.
Not for what happened to me but for breaking my own cycle.
That meant:
Developing self-compassion, even when setting boundaries, felt clumsy.
Recognizing that resentment is a clue—it often signals where a boundary is needed.
Understand that if someone reacts poorly to my boundary, it’s likely because they were benefiting from me not having one.
Choosing relationships is built on mutual care, not emotional contortion.
If You’ve Asked, “Am I the Narcissist?”—You’re Not Alone
If you’ve ever googled that question, you’re not broken.
You’re searching. You’re questioning. That’s not narcissism—it’s self-awareness.
True narcissists don’t reflect.
They don’t ask how their behavior affects others.
They don’t ask if they are the problem.
Your asking says a lot about your character—and your capacity for real connection.
Your Next Step
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.
You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not imagining things.
You’re waking up.
And that choice—to honor your voice, your needs, your boundaries—starts with you.
Have you ever realized you were stuck in a toxic pattern? What helped you break free? I’d love to hear your story.
Further Reading:
How to Heal From Toxic Relationship Patterns – Psychology Today
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – HelpGuide.org
Toxic Relationships: The Effects of Psychopathy in Romantic Partners
Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries – Psychology Today
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